Pregnancy · pregnancy loss

Going from “if” to “when”

If you read one my previous blogs you would know that I went through a still birth. It is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. I'm not here to talk about that experience again. I'm here to talk about the "after" pregnancy experiences.

I've been pregnant 3 times since my still birth. I always hate going to the doctors office and talking to a new nurse about my pregnancy history. They're always like "so this is what number pregnancy for you?" Then I have to describe my still birth in detail and my miscarriage. They automatically look at you like you're going to burst into tears and at that moment they decide to monitor you extra closely.

The entire pregnancy you're paranoid that you're not going to make it past the 1st trimester or deliver a crying baby in the 3rd trimester . "What if there is no heartbeat again", "what if there is no fetal movement". These are the daily questions that have gone through my head with my daughter and now my son.


That is the question I asked my self during my first trimesters for both pregnancy. "I wonder IF I'm going to make it past the 1st trimester" or " I wonder IF I'll hear a heartbeat." I remember with my daughters first ultrasound when we heard the heartbeat I started crying. I couldn't help it, I was so cautiously optimistic that I didn't want to believe it. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic the entire first trimester with my daughter. Trying not to get too excited, not let too many people know so I don't have to tell them if it doesn't work out. Once I hit 14 weeks a big sigh of relief happens and I started to enjoy the journey and tell people about our big announcement. Now when I say "enjoy" I mean like not expect a miscarriage but remember I don't do well being pregnant.


Now is the fun part. I passed the scary 1st trimester and have enjoyed the fabulous 2nd trimester. Now it's the 3rd trimester and you can't believe you made it this far. For me with my daughter it was the longest 10 weeks of my life. The 3rd trimester starts at week 28 and I delivered my daughter at 38 weeks. During the whole last trimester I asked "When". Now that I know I can carry this baby past the first trimester, when will she come. Will she be ok when she gets here, will she be born alive. When will it happen and how do I know I'll be good at this parenting thing.

It's scary. Pregnancy is one scary thing that is not easy. Not everyone can carry a child and after loosing one, it makes it that much worst the next time around. Being 34 weeks pregnant now with my son, whenever he doesn't move I find myself shaking my belly to make sure he's still alive and moving. I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose my son. Everyone says "he's so much safer in you than out in the world" [insert eye roll emoji] that doesn't bring me comfort especially if I lost a child who passed away in me and I had to deliver him knowing he'll never cry.

How does one get past that? How does one get over the "If" and "when" questions. These are questions I find myself asking as the days to my second child being born draws nearer. Every kick brings comfort but every lack of movement brings me anxiety. Still dealing with it, and it's ok. It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me human, and a mother.

Pregnancy · pregnancy loss

To have truly loved and lost

This time of the year is supposed to be a special time for mothers and mothers to be.  it’s a time that loved ones recognize all that you do, have done and will do.  Mother’s day is a reminder to celebrate your mom and tell her that you love her a little extra on this day.  For a period of time I hated this holiday.  Not cause I hate my mother (well, that’s for a different post) but because it reminded me that I wasn’t a mother.

In January 2008 I was a mess.  21 years old living in York County, PA.  Drank like it was no ones business and was dating a not so good guy.  That month I lost an Uncle, a good friend to drunk driving and found out I was pregnant.  Abortion was not the option for me, I decided I was going to raise this child and turn my life around. And that is exactly what I started to do.  I dumped my boyfriend, got a job as a claims clerical clerk and I began turning my studio apartment into a room fit for a prince.  Yes, my prince.  His name was Jaiden.  And I felt like I knew him before I met him.  I knew that he loved listening to my 80’s playlist first thing in the morning we got ready for work. We loved eating cinnamon raisin bagels as we got to work.  3pm was always lunch time and he would not let me go late.  Always kicking me at that exact moment.  And when ever I was upset he would almost caress me from the inside to remind me that he would never hurt me.  That is how I got through the summer of 2008, just me and my baby boy (who I thought was a girl for the LONGEST time until I saw that boy part).  Just when I got to a point where I have done a complete 180 on my life, my life changed.  It was September 15th.  I woke up like I did every day, played my 80’s music, got my bagel and began work.  It was a Monday and we were dealing with Hurricane Ike claims so we were busy here at work.  Before I even noticed it was 3:30 pm and I had missed my lunch.  I was thinking “that can’t be possible, Jaiden always kicks at 3 to remind me” but this day he didn’t.  So I push in on my stomach cause I knew if I did that, he’ll get annoyed and push back.  Nothing.  I shake my belly and still no movement.  I’m trying not to freak out at this point.  I go and grab a Pepsi and a glass of cold water cause that is what the OB tells you to do when the baby isn’t moving.  Drank both and still nothing.  Call my OB still panicked and they tell me to go to straight to the ER.  I call my friend Pam who worked at the local restaurant down the street and asked if she could pick me up and take me.  I tell my supervisor what is happening and let her know I’m going to the ER.  The entire car ride Pam is trying to talk to Jaiden and reassure me that everything is ok.  I get to the ER and the rush me straight to labor and delivery and hook me up to a fetal heart monitor.  I’m in there with just Pam and a Nurse.  She uses a Doppler to look for a heartbeat and then she quickly calls in for reinforcements.  At that moment my room gets completely filled with nurses and doctors and the OB on staff comes in and takes my hand. She starts crying and the rest gets silent.  They couldn’t find a heartbeat.  I was in complete disbelief.  This can’t be possible.  He was just there the other day, he was just kicking and caressing me last night.  what do you mean there is no heartbeat.  I began crying uncontrollably, my friend Pam is crying, there Is no dry eye in the room. They have to admit me and induce me to deliver my son.  My dead son.  I call my sister and my mother who lived over an hour away to come up. They give me an epidural to help with contractions and all I keep thinking is that maybe he’ll come out and be alive and he’s just punking me. Or I’m thinking “what did I do wrong, was it something I ate, was I doing too much activity?”  These are the thoughts going through my mind until the next when I finally get to deliver my boy.  (side note, my mom really wanted them to give me a C-Section. Like who really wants to be in labor for almost 24 hours with a child they will never take home??)  but I delivered my boy at 36 weeks pregnant, he was 6 lbs 15 oz and perfect. But he didn’t cry, he never opened his eyes.  I held my dead son and I felt empty.  They said the cord was around his neck and that is why he passed.  Damn Jaiden.  You were so active you got caught in your own cord.  I buried him a week later and had to ‘move on’ as certain family members told me. But how can I move on? My older sister just had her baby and I don’t want to be around him cause he makes me miss mine.  i have friends that are pregnant and even though I’m happy for them I am jealous cause they got to hold their children after delivering them and I didn’t.  I fell into a deep depression and no antidepressant could help me.  I often asked God “why would you take my child from me? What did I do to deserve this?”  I hated God for the longest time.  I hated anyone that was pregnant and had a healthy child.  I began drinking again cause that’s all I could do to numb the pain.  I moved in with a friend and we would go out and drink and have fun and never talked about Jaiden.  But in all this craziness i did have one friend that I could always talk to about him.  Her name was Charli.  and the reason I could be so open with her was because she’s been where I was. Never as intense as me but she had also loved children and lost them.  She understood my anger and she let me be angry, but she never left.  Till this day she is still one of my best friends because she was and is still there.

The First mothers days past after Jaiden past and everyone who has kids are getting their “happy mothers day” shout out on MySpace (cause that was huge back then)  and I forget who told me this but they said “just because your son isn’t here, doesn’t make you any less of a mother”  and they were right.  I did everything that any normal mother did while pregnant.  I went to my OB appointments, I took my vitamins, I ate all the right food, I stopped drinking.  I did everything right. The only difference Is, my child isn’t here and their’s is.  I wish I could say “in that very moment I changed my life around and beat depression and lived happily ever after” but that would be a lie. It took me some more time but I started to look as Jaiden coming into my life as a good thing.  He turned me into a mother, which made me have to grow up which was hard for me to do at that time.  I didn’t want to let him down.  I enrolled in school to start the Winter of 2010, I moved back home for 90 days before school started (I couldn’t handle more than 90 days, trust me if you know my family then you know why) to save up to get my own place once school started.  I got a car, paid cash all by myself and later that year I met my now husband.  I honestly can say that none of that would’ve happened if I never got pregnant with Jaiden.  He was the first domino and all this good began to happen because of him.  I still think about him every day and every mother’s day I still feel like he’s with me watching me, thinking “omg my mom is a hot mess. I’m soo embarrassed” and I laugh cause if I don’t, I’ll cry.

I thought after Jaiden that I’ll never want to have kids again or won’t be able to.  I thought my body was cursed.  Once my husband and I got married we got pregnant right away but essentially had a miscarriage.  I thought to myself “Oh God, not again.  Am I not meant to be a mother, just say so now.” And I went through the whole “if your pregnant, I hate you.  Or the “everyone that has babies I’m throwing mad shade at you cause twice now I should’ve had kids and God took them from me.”  Again, Charli was there as a great support system with her whole “been there, done that and now I have kids and you will too” mentality which sometimes is super annoying if you’re depressed but looking back now is 100% effective!!!! Right around December of 2014 I had a dream that I was at a picnic with my in-laws and there was my niece (who now I know as Annabelle) and another small child who looked roughly a year younger.  She had the curliest hair and best smile.  Olive complexion and she was playing in the water with her cousin.  She runs up to me and calls me Mommy.  I woke up from that dream with such love in my heart not knowing what it meant.  Who is this little girl in the water with curly hair?  Why is she calling me mommy?  Did I adopt her?  Is this Gods way of foreshadowing cause I really hate surprises.  Come to find out New year eve 2015 we found out we were pregnant.  I was ecstatic and also terrified.  If I have one more miscarriage or stillbirth I’m getting everything taken out. I can’t go through it again.  But I think Jaiden talked to the big guy upstairs and was like “Look, my mom is a hot mess.  Is there anyway you can give her constant reminders that she’s pregnant so she doesn’t freak out?”  And God was probably like “say no more”.  It was the WORST PREGNANCY EVER!!!!  Vomit, spitting in a bottle, round ligament pains, swollen ankles.  You name it I had it.  But I can honestly say that I got that little girl from my dreams.  Born at 38 weeks, Bexley Celine Sanger.  she now looks EXACLTY like the little girl I dreamt about and makes me feel complete again.  She has her guardian angel looking after her and I can feel it every day.

The question often gets asked “is it better to have loved, then lost.  Then to never have loved at all?”  The answer is yes.  If I never had Jaiden, I would have never met Charli, never met my husband and never have had my daughter.  I would’ve never graduated college (finally) and who knows where I would be but I know I wouldn’t be here.  Someone always asks “do you have any advice to moms who are going through or have gone through what you have?”  There is nothing I can say to make a grieving mother feel better.  We don’t want to here “everything happens for a reason” or “you will be a mom someday, when it’s your time”.  Fuck that.  No one in their right mind takes comfort in that. You know what I say ” this shit sucks. A lot. You do what you need to do to grieve and I’ll be here.  you want to go get drunk and cry on the bathroom floor at the bar?  I’ll drive.  You want to not talk about it ever?  Let’s talk about how messy these chicks look at the mall.”  Everyone grieves differently and in their own time.  But when you are ready to talk about it, I’m here because I’ve been there.  And what I can say is don’t lose hope. Because if I gave up, I wouldn’t have the girl i have today.  And I would also say “just cause you don’t have your baby doesn’t make you ANY less of a mother.  You are the best mom and you will have your prince or princess. And because you have lost, you will love them so unconditionally. “