Pregnancy · pregnancy loss

Going from “if” to “when”

If you read one my previous blogs you would know that I went through a still birth. It is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. I'm not here to talk about that experience again. I'm here to talk about the "after" pregnancy experiences.

I've been pregnant 3 times since my still birth. I always hate going to the doctors office and talking to a new nurse about my pregnancy history. They're always like "so this is what number pregnancy for you?" Then I have to describe my still birth in detail and my miscarriage. They automatically look at you like you're going to burst into tears and at that moment they decide to monitor you extra closely.

The entire pregnancy you're paranoid that you're not going to make it past the 1st trimester or deliver a crying baby in the 3rd trimester . "What if there is no heartbeat again", "what if there is no fetal movement". These are the daily questions that have gone through my head with my daughter and now my son.


That is the question I asked my self during my first trimesters for both pregnancy. "I wonder IF I'm going to make it past the 1st trimester" or " I wonder IF I'll hear a heartbeat." I remember with my daughters first ultrasound when we heard the heartbeat I started crying. I couldn't help it, I was so cautiously optimistic that I didn't want to believe it. My husband and I were cautiously optimistic the entire first trimester with my daughter. Trying not to get too excited, not let too many people know so I don't have to tell them if it doesn't work out. Once I hit 14 weeks a big sigh of relief happens and I started to enjoy the journey and tell people about our big announcement. Now when I say "enjoy" I mean like not expect a miscarriage but remember I don't do well being pregnant.


Now is the fun part. I passed the scary 1st trimester and have enjoyed the fabulous 2nd trimester. Now it's the 3rd trimester and you can't believe you made it this far. For me with my daughter it was the longest 10 weeks of my life. The 3rd trimester starts at week 28 and I delivered my daughter at 38 weeks. During the whole last trimester I asked "When". Now that I know I can carry this baby past the first trimester, when will she come. Will she be ok when she gets here, will she be born alive. When will it happen and how do I know I'll be good at this parenting thing.

It's scary. Pregnancy is one scary thing that is not easy. Not everyone can carry a child and after loosing one, it makes it that much worst the next time around. Being 34 weeks pregnant now with my son, whenever he doesn't move I find myself shaking my belly to make sure he's still alive and moving. I'm paranoid that I'm going to loose my son. Everyone says "he's so much safer in you than out in the world" [insert eye roll emoji] that doesn't bring me comfort especially if I lost a child who passed away in me and I had to deliver him knowing he'll never cry.

How does one get past that? How does one get over the "If" and "when" questions. These are questions I find myself asking as the days to my second child being born draws nearer. Every kick brings comfort but every lack of movement brings me anxiety. Still dealing with it, and it's ok. It doesn't make me crazy. It makes me human, and a mother.


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